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Incase your wondering, this is a class blog relating to the struggles between males and female in modern day society. Males are viewed ad the dominating gender who has control of his surrounduings, and apparently has an easier time coasting through society without any issues. While women always have to work harder then men to achieve their goals even though they have the more "superior intelect." Well I happen to disagree. believe it or not but women have easier access to prodominatly male occupations. A great example is the construction trades. Although the majarity of union workers are male, women are preffered. Because Women are so scarse, union preffer to hire female trade workers rather than male because it allows them to level out the feild.
your draft is grammatically inclined and detailing on the ad a bit more than it should because i am thinking that regardless that it about the ad,remember that we ought to speak beyond what the physical ad is saying.
ReplyDeleteYour introduction contains a thesis (first two sentences), but the third sentence is a fragment and so is the final sentence which follows the semi-colon. Remember that a semi-colon is like a period and can only connect two complete sentences. Also you should spell out “body” rather than “bod.” I really like your analysis of the model in the ad; the mention of his ethnicity and disregard for his possessions (clothes and yacht) is great and you should connect the two. But try to compose a more effective first sentence or include a topic sentence in the body paragraph which will reflect how the model, his body and its movement as well as his facial expression reflect the TYPE of masculinity you are reading/noticing in the ad for Nautica One cologne. Also, do you think he is walking toward the cologne? The bottle appears in the corner and the model’s gaze is looking straight ahead? Maybe it is because he is wearing the cologne, he feels masculine enough that he doesn’t need his yacht and dry clothes? The last two sentences are both fragments: “Displaying characteristics of a go getter”? The is no subject in this sentence; in other words who is displaying characteristics? Then “The characteristics of a man who, against all odds, goes after what he wants”? What about the characteristics of a man? Here you have a subject but there is an absence of a verb and complete idea.
ReplyDeleteThe second paragraph offers a super analysis of the cologne(clear bottle reflect the man’s careless attitude, and X marks the spot) and I would suggest you move the ideas about the cologne from body paragraph one to this paragraph, body paragraph two. I was thinking the X marks the spot maybe be associated with a treasure hunt? Maps often, in movies, have an X to mark where a treasure or desirable location is. Is the treasure, contained in the bottle, the essence of masculinity which you define as care free masculinity? This is awesome Sentences one, six, nine and ten are fragments. Your third body paragraph effectively connects with the X marks the spot, since the setting or the destination the man is heading to is an island. Think about masculinity and men wanting to discover new lands/find treasures? Also think about the fantasies, and you suggest this, of going on adventure and making a discovery? Your conclusion is great, and it effectively comments on Nautica Ocean, and ads in general, selling the consumer an image. Great work, overall, just needs bit more proofreading.
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